Parenting – Listen Carefully!
Posted on September 27, 2011
Now that we have the goal in mind, namely raising a happy child (see Parenting-The Goal), the issue becomes how to go about doing it. In this article I will lay out one of the most important things parents can do to assure a happy child: Listen.
I’ll say it again. One of the most important things you can do to assure yourself of a happy child is to listen carefully and respectfully to what your child has to say.
It is my belief that a child’s nature is initially transparent. So by attuning correctly to the child at an early age, the parent can maintain communication, initially nonverbally of course, but later including verbal communication. This ongoing, non-judgmental communication between the child and the parent is extremely important to support a sense of security, trust, and well-being which the child will later internalize to become a secure, happy adult.
Unfortunately, the child’s initial honesty is all too often compromised by poor results in early communications with the parent. The child then has to learn “dishonest” ways to get his or her needs met, because they have learned from the parent that open communication doesn’t work, or may even lead to punishment.
There are myriad examples of poor communication out there, but the issues can be broken down into two categories. The first is failure to communicate (the message is not received because of inattentiveness, or is interpreted wrongly). The second is an inappropriate or in Jungian terms a complexed reaction to the message. In both of these cases, it is primarily the responsibility of the parent to do the work of assuring good communication between them and their child.
As I mentioned, there are many examples of poor communication by parents. I see them all the time. Here is one:
I was walking home from work. I initially heard, then saw a child of about five years, crying on the sidewalk ahead of me. He was trying to get some words out between sobs, standing facing his mother and father who were sitting on a metal bench outside a bank machine entrance. Dad was leaning back in the bench, a scowl on his face, while mom was initially doing likewise. As I approached, mom pulled him towards her and in a loud voice told him to be quiet. As I walked by, I felt compelled to say: “He just wants love.” The father in an angry voice said: “What?”. I turned and repeated what I’d said from a distance of about 20 feet. He said: “He gets plenty of love, he just won’t listen.” I said: “He’s a kid.”, and he replied again in an angry voice: “He doesn’t listen.” Not being present enough, and actually being a bit afraid of his anger, I turned and left. Hoping what I’d said would be enough. As I neared my home, it came to me what I should have said. I briefly considered returning to see if they were still there, but my daughter was with the sitter, and I was already a half hour late, so I went on. One of those painful decisions that don’t seem to have a clear right answer. What I wish I’d had the presence of mind to say was this: “But do you listen to him?”.
Children almost by definition are learning, and they learn primarily by mirroring their parents. “Do as I say, not as I do.”, if not accompanied by sincere recognition of parental failing, is almost never a successful message. This is because children’s first impulse is to idealize their parent. At an early age it is essentially impossible to believe that your parent is wrong. Parents are godlike figures for children. This is why it is so crucially important that a parent never shame their child, or suggest they are “bad” or inferior for whatever reason. These early messages become core beliefs, which linger when the child grows up and doesn’t even remember the events which caused them.
In the above example, it was clear to me that Mom and Dad’s poor example of not listening to their child, was leading him to model them, and not listen either. Causing complexed anger and punishment by his parents. This will inevitably escalate and perpetuate itself as the child learns he is not worthy of attention, and must do more and more dysfunctional things to get the attention he needs.
Please listen carefully to your children. It often takes a lot of wisdom on the parent’s part to understand the message of a young child, or the “message behind the message” of an older child or young adult. Getting the message right, and acting appropriately, leads to enhanced feelings of security and enhanced bonding between parent and child.
As a side note, anger is a signal you are acting out of a complexed place. If you are angry, know you are not in a place to access your wisdom. Get to a safe place and take a break. Wait until you have calmed down to analyze what has happened and then decide how best to approach the situation.
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Parenting – The Goal
Posted on June 7, 2011
As I have alluded to in previous discussions, I believe good parenting can be based on core premises. In this message, I would like to discuss one of my most basic. Let’s not wait any longer:
The core aim of parenting is to allow for and nurture the development of a happy human being.
Some might have a child to provide them with love that they never had as a child themselves. Some might have one because they are lonely, and hope a child will provide them with attention, and a focus for attention. Some want to raise a child to become what they were unable to become themselves. Some want an image of themselves and their beliefs to continue on after they are gone. Some want an heir to their own legacy, to keep their memory alive. Some want a child or children to provide for them in their old age. Some might have a child out of biological compulsion. Some might because they feel social pressure to do so, from parents, friends, or religious beliefs. Some have a child because they want to force a man (or woman) to stay with them. Some are forced to have children because of rape, or experimentation with sex that has gone awry, and they are unable to terminate the pregnancy.
People have children for all of the above reasons, and likely many more. However, I would like you to consider the possibility that parenting is a kind of sacred trust. Here we have brought into existence (or taken responsibility for, in the case of foster or adoptive parents and caregivers) a human being, totally dependent on us, who has consciousness, feelings, and psyche capable of encompassing the universe just as we do and potentially even more broadly, or in different ways than ourselves. It is up to us to nurture those capabilities, and allow the nascent person within the child to develop to its full potential. This is a large part of what I think it means to be “happy”, both as a child and as a parent.
This is not to say that having a child is without benefit to the parent. Actually, the experiencing of the wonder of existence which the child can share with his or her parent is priceless, and can re-awaken lost passion for growth and exploration in the parent who is as ready to learn from the child as they are to teach them. Additionally, powers of empathic attunement and intuition can be greatly enhanced. Ultimately, however, having a child is equal parts sacrifice and blessing, and the one always goes with the other as in every other facet of life.
Raising a child well is a complex balancing act, but having the goal firmly in mind gives a sense of direction when things “get crazy”. Even if we have gone astray in the past, we can make great strides if we can put the past behind us and move forward with the goal of fostering the development of a happy person. I hope you will consider it.
» Filed Under Parenting | 2 Comments
Parenting Pre-Contemplation
Posted on April 4, 2011
Parenting – Pre-Contemplation Phase
I am borrowing a term from the Stages of Change model which I think is appropriate. Here, the change we’re talking about is going from the relatively care-free life of not having children, to responsibly raising a child.
In the pre-contemplation phase, one is not at all interested in change. In this case, we have not seriously considered having children. I’m not talking about the idle daydream of having a child, but the serious contemplation of having one. Or, if one has considered it, it has been ruled out at least temporarily until one’s life situation (enough money, a stable relationship) is more conducive to providing for a child’s well-being.
I would argue that most people appropriately fall into this category. Parenting (or at least good parenting) requires a great deal more work than I believe most people are prepared to deal with. There are enormous strains on time and patience, not to mention economic responsibilities which should be considered and accepted before starting a family.
The major “action item” I want people to take away from this post, is to be active in avoiding pregnancy while you are in this phase of your life. If a woman is sexually active (or considering it) it is my firm belief that birth control should be utilized. Talk to your doctor about what makes the best sense for your situation. Men should be prepared with (and use) condoms until and unless they can be sure that the woman is using a reliable form of birth control (pill, IUD or depot implant). One could argue that its possible to engage in non-intercourse sexual activity, or use the withdrawal or rhythm method, but this is very risky, and its best not to chance something as important as giving up one’s freedom prematurely in one’s life cycle.
I will leave off a discussion of what to do in the event of unplanned or unwanted pregnancy to another day, except to say there are no really “good” options in that case. “Just don’t go there” is my best advice. Enjoy your life without the worry of having to care for children until you are ready.
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» Filed Under Parenting | 4 Comments
Parenting – Introduction
Posted on March 16, 2011
I have struggled with the idea of sharing my thoughts about parenting for awhile now.
Certainly we have all been exposed to bad parenting on occasion. The parent screaming at or striking a small child, or ignoring a child when it is in distress. These are obvious cases and hardly need to be pointed out to the majority of parents. Or so one would think. However, there are plenty of well meaning parents who at times find themselves at times thinking about, if not doing just these things. How can we avoid being bad parents? What does it mean to be a “good” or “bad” parent anyway?
While I can look back on my own upbringing as an (imperfect) model, and my psychiatric/psychological/psychoanalytic training and experience for guidance, it is only since my daughter was born that I have begun to feel some confidence that I really know what I am talking about in an authentic way, and the urge to pass on my felt knowledge has become more powerful.
Normally, I am the type of therapist who tries to refrain from giving advice to my patients. I might offer suggestions or more often explore options, but only in rare circumstances will I actually try to tell someone what to do. Acute depression, or psychosis might be examples. Usually, and particularly with my longer term therapy or analytic patients I do my best to allow them to discover their own answers. I have found the results to be more long lasting and powerful that way. The downside is the (often painful) time it can take for people to discover the “right” answer for themselves.
I have decided that in the case of parenting, I should be open with my patients and the world about what I feel is the “right” way to go about it. The stakes are just too high, in terms of children suffering or not reaching their potential, for me not to offer guidance.
And of course, children grow up. The sequelae of poor parenting and difficult childhoods are echoed throughout adulthood, and then unconsciously passed on to future generations. In my practice, and in my own analysis, I have traced these sequelae back to their roots time and again.
Notice the word “unconsciously” in the above paragraph. In my experience, Most parenting (and indeed most conscious activity) is based on unconscious patterning. Social, familial patterning which we are usually almost totally unaware of and simply label as “normal” if we even think about it at all. Thus, unless we have had a “good enough” analysis, we parent in an unconscious reinactment of or possibly a semi-conscious reaction to the way we ourselves were parented.
Unfortunately, a “good enough analysis” is not easy to get. Analysis is time consuming, expensive, and often painful, not to mention how difficult it is to find someone capable to do the work with. Certainly, this series of blog postings is not going to substitute for an analysis. I cannot speak to you through this medium and show you why, given your particular life circumstace, you tend to over or under react to some particular situation in your life. After all, I don’t know you, and even if I did, I might choose to let you find out for yourself (perhaps with some hints here and there).
But all is not lost. I wouldn’t be typing this if I didn’t think “good enough parenting” was possible without a “good enough analysis”. In fact, knowing why one does what one does doesn’t tell us what we “should” do! (It does, however, tend to broaden our range of acceptable options.)
The answer, I feel, lies in the development and nurturance of certain parental attitudes. As these attitudes first are accepted, then strengthened, they can act as a kind of ballast which will help right the ship of our parent-child interactions when we find ourselves unbalanced by unconscious or external disruptive forces.
I hope you will read the coming series of articles in an open minded way. Ponder them and see if you ultimately feel them to be valid. If you don’t feel what I’m saying to be true, its unlikely to make a sustained impact or evoke change. Sit with the positive resonance for awhile when you feel it.
Some of you may react negatively to some of what I’m going to tell you. If so, please sit with it for awhile and try to verbalize the feeling thats troubling you. Perhaps this can be a catalyst for a bit of self-analysis.
In any event, if you have a reaction you’d like to share, feel free to email me. Feedback is welcome. I look at this, like my life in general, as a work in progress.
» Filed Under Parenting | 12 Comments
Death and Life
Posted on August 11, 2008
Mortality is a difficult thing to talk about. One would expect that something so commonplace as death would be better accepted, but that is not the way most humans, at least the people I know, handle the issue. For most of us, death is ignored as long as possible, and then only momentarily dealt with when we have our noses rubbed in it so to speak. We prefer to live in our delusion of immortality as much as possible. As if by contemplating death, we are contaminating our existence here.
Thinking about death is “morbid”, and is considered mostly to be unhealthy. I think the concern is that in dwelling on it, somehow one will want to die in order to check it out. For most of us, this is far from likely. Although, it may be true for seriously depressed or grieving people, who may not feel that life continues to offer them anything. For them the hope raised by belief in an afterlife may make death appealing, as the gateway to that afterlife.
However, in general, I’m not even sure that encouraging depressed people to avoid thinking about death is a particularly effective way of preventing suicide, or even helping people recover from their depression, though from a cognitive behavioral standpoint I suppose there may be some merit to the suggestion. It could be argued that thinking about dying in such a circumstance is entirely reasonable and in fact healthy. Certainly the fact that these types of thoughts are so commonplace in these situations is suggestive of a purpositive reason for these thoughts from a biological or evolutionary standpoint.
Recently, I was told by one of my patients about a study which was done of survivors of suicide attempts. According to him, the consistent thought of those who had, say, jumped off the bridge, was “I want to live!” as they were falling. And when they did, the depression that had driven them to suicide in the first place had lifted. This is illustrative of the fact that a close confrontation with death in most cases is followed by a renewed interest in life.
Unfortunately, I have to acknowledge that as a psychiatrist I have met many people who have attempted suicide more than once; so obviously this doesn’t work all the time. However, it is my own experience that being (or feeling) near death leads to a heightened awareness of life, and the preciousness of the gift we all (briefly) share.
I would indeed argue that this existential issue is foundational to our psychological structure, and that facing it is (eventually) a painful necessity. Though most of us would like to put off that time as long as possible, I personally do not consider those who do so earlier as necessarily pathological.
» Filed Under Philosophy | 1 Comment
Money Isn’t Everything (Happier Revisited)
Posted on June 30, 2008
Sorry for the long delay since my last post. I’ve been in an introspective cycle I guess.. At any rate I want to get the juices flowing again by following up on my last post regarding the book: Happier, by Tal Ben-Shahar.
Besides the need to balance present and future benefits in our lives, the author makes an additional important point that I wanted to emphasize: Money in and of itself does not provide (most of us) with happiness. With the exception of those for whom the making of money is a pleasurable game in itself, for most of us money is simply a tool which allows us to do things or buy objects. It has little intrinsic value in itself. The “currency” with which we should be measuring our success is our level of overall happiness, not the size of our bank accounts.
This is perhaps a difficult concept for most of us to grasp, but I think it is crucial for us to consider. Striving for more money will not make most of us happy. What is more important is to identify the things that make us happy, and then do them. Most of the time, if we do the work, we will find the things that make us most happy (meaningful relationships, service to others, respect of our peers, pursuit of knowledge; to name a few personal examples) often have very little to do with amount of money we have. Of course, in our market-driven society we need enough to provide for our basic needs, and it’s nice to have a little extra for present enjoyment. But it is so easy to get caught up in the fantasy that if only we had more money we would be happier. Especially since we are constantly bombarded with the propaganda that the latest fashion, the newest cell phone, or the fastest car will make us happy, fulfilled people.
The proof of this is easy: Consider for yourself the second-to-last big thing you bought. Which you perhaps lusted over, and fantasized about before buying. Remember how excited you were while you were contemplating the purchase? What you imagined you would do once you owned it? How happy you would be! All of us have experienced this. Reflect on how you feel about that object now. Perhaps you still enjoy it, perhaps you are bored with it by now. However, it’s unlikely that object in itself has been the key to long term happiness in your life. Food for thought, and perhaps an important insight to consider.
I’d like to end this post by relating how much I enjoyed the discussion with the folks who came to my presentation at Imagine Atrium. (It made me happier!) Many thanks to those of you who were able to be there!
TagshappinessMoney» Filed Under Philosophy | 3 Comments
Happier
Posted on March 2, 2008
Happiness is one of those core emotions that I think just can’t be defined further. You know it when you feel it, and that’s it. Having said that, I agree with Tal Ben-Shahar Ph.D., that it really should be considered the “ultimate currency”, and the final measure of success.
Many may disagree, but I think the primary aim of psychotherapy, or psychiatry should be the promotion of happiness in our clients and patients. This doesn’t necessarily mean immediate happiness. Many times the road to future happiness is painful to travel at times. No one enjoys finding out unpleasant things about themselves for example, and going about changing them can be even worse. But in the long run, that work pays dividends in the future. (There are also many other benefits to psychotherapy.)
So, psychotherapy can be one route to happiness. Another for people to consider is the “self-help” route, generally finding a book or author who prescribes a particular method to follow. One disadvantage here is that people are almost always blind to their own failings, and to find those things out one often needs an outside observer who’s observations can be trusted and not defended against out of hand. Conversely, self-help approaches can encourage a certain self-confidence and self-reliance (if they work and are appropriate to the person and situation). Some therapists attempt to combine the two approaches with assigned readings, etc..
I have previously mentioned The Power of Now, by Eckhard Tolle. Today I want to mention a completely different approach, that taken by the followers of positive psychology, as espoused by Dr. Ben-Shahar in his book: Happier. In Happier, we find a structured, programmed approach to happiness. He lays out a general idea: That being happy means combining short-term pleasure, with long-term meaning. And then sets forth exercises to follow to help guide oneself on the path of achieving that. I think many people will find the book a rewarding read, and its ideas worth considering.
For those who are interested in the book, I have agreed to give a little presentation and lead a discussion about it on Friday evening 3/7/08, at Imagine Atrium in Jersey City, NJ. If you are able to read the book ahead of time, that would be great. If you can buy it from them that would be even better. As a small independent bookstore, they would appreciate your business.
Tagshappinesspositive psychology» Filed Under Philosophy | Leave a Comment
The Morality of Sexual Orientation
Posted on February 28, 2008
Some of you may have seen the recent news that researchers at the University of Illinois at Chicago have been able to control the sexual orientation of fruit flies, by exposing them to a chemical. Specifically, they were able to induce homosexual behavior in previously heterosexual male fruit flies. You can read the press release here.
You may wonder what this has to do with morality. I’ll begin by mentioning briefly that in the early to mid 1900′s it was felt that homosexuality was due primarily to aberrations in psychosocial development, and so theoretically could be “cured” with appropriate psychotherapy. That view has been displaced by the belief that sexual orientation is largely “hard-wired” genetically. Homosexuality is no longer considered by mainstream psychiatry to be a mental disorder.
However, there is still very influential religious and social teaching that homosexuality is “sinful”. And a great many are caught in the intensely stressful situation of feeling compelled to do what they have been taught (and believe) is wrong. They feel themselves “sinners”, “bad” or even “possessed”. People have tried to be “deprogrammed” from homosexuality with intensive therapy and conditioning. Some even claim to have succeeded. These non-mainstream programs continue to the current day.
Which leads me back to this current tidbit. What if sexual orientation is in fact biologically controlled, and not psychologically determined? It seems to me that most of us reserve moral judgments to those things about which we have some control. For example, if a parent steals to feed her family, when she has no other way to do so, most of us find that morally acceptable. Likewise, if we are faced with life-threatening violence, we are allowed to use violence to defend ourselves. In other words, when we have no choice we can do what we have to do, morally if not always legally.
For now, I would argue that if sexual orientation is biologically determined, it should favor the moral acceptability of homosexuality; on the grounds that it is not a matter of choice, but is determined by our genetics. It remains to be seen what will happen in the future if (when?) a pill is available to change that orientation, and it truly does become a matter of choice.
Quite frankly, I imagine psychiatrists will do a booming business “helping” people “cure” their homosexuality, as it will once again be an “illness” that can be treated. Unfortunately, that will likely make the underlying moral considerations more difficult for those affected, and not less.
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Sad in a Joyous Season
Posted on December 16, 2007
For most of us, the Holiday season is one of joyful anticipation. As children, we anticipate receiving presents with increasing excitement. As parents, we anticipate the happiness of our children. For those who are religious, there is the celebration of God’s blessing. And for all ages it is a time for family to gather and share.
However, for a sizable minority of us, this time of year is anything but pleasant. It has been my experience that this time of year is very difficult for many. For some, there is the remembrance of the death or injury of a loved one which took place during this time in years past. Or perhaps a serious injury or trauma was suffered directly. Many of us do not have happy memories of childhood, or of a warm and nurturing family that blesses others. Some of us are isolated from friends, family, or religion, at a time when the days are short, the nights long and cold. Perhaps the year has not gone well economically and the stress of buying presents which cannot be afforded is too great.
If, for whatever reason, you find yourself sad this time of year, here’s the deal: you are probably OK. While it’s not pleasant to be depressed or down, it is a fact of human existence that we all go through it at one time or another. Certainly, being depressed allows us to appreciate being happy, and vice-versa. So the first thing I would like to posit is that sadness is not in and of itself pathological. If you are not thinking too hard about killing or hurting yourself (or someone else), have a reasonable idea of what’s making you sad, can look forward to a time in the not too distant future when what’s making you sad will be done with, and you will be happy again, you’re probably alright. If you don’t fit into the above category, you may want to consider seeking professional advice, but otherwise, read on!
So, during this Joyous Season, you find yourself anything but. What to do? Here are a few suggestions:
1) Accept yourself as a basically good person, even if you are sad. This may seem obvious to some, but believe me there are others of you out there who will find this very difficult. But try, and keep trying if it is hard. Many people I work with tell me they have no trouble at all honestly advising their friends who are depressed that they are good people, but cannot believe it of themselves.
2) If you have some close friends, you can share with them how you’re feeling, but don’t do it too frequently or give them the idea you expect them to “fix” the problem. Most of us want to be helpful, but if we cannot help we may try to avoid a painful situation (or depressed people). Let them know they’re helping by listening.
3) Fake it. If you’re in a group with a bunch of happy people, fake it and be happy too. You can go back to being sad later, and meantime you haven’t messed up their fun, and they’ll be more likely to ask you out again.
4) Take care of your body. Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, try to minimize sweets and alcohol. Exercise, walk, stay clean. Sleep when you’re tired.
5) Help someone else. Do things for others who are less fortunate than yourself, and be careful not to expect anything from them in return. You may be surprised at the power of this one!
There are lots of other things my patients have taught me about dealing with sadness, but this list should get you started. If you have other suggestions, feel free to pass them on! And if you have friends who are sad now, feel free to pass these on to them. I wish you all the best!
TagsDepression TipsHoliday BluesHoliday Sadness» Filed Under Philosophy | Leave a Comment
Confronting the Shadow
Posted on November 12, 2007
The Shadow is a concept which is pretty much unknown in mainstream psychological thinking. This is a result I think of the general avoidance and suppression of Carl Jung’s work which arose as a result of the split between Freud and he in the early days of psychoanalytic history. I want to give here a brief look at this idea, and to point out its utility and descriptive power to some who may not have been exposed to it previously.
In brief, the Shadow consists of that part of our psyche which conflicts with our persona (which is the side of ourselves which we prefer to see, and which we want other’s to see). We suppress or repress this part of ourselves, and so generally the drives and desires which make up the Shadow become unconscious. It becomes apparent at times in our dreams as a particularly distasteful person, and at other times can be seen in unexplainable negative emotional projections which we sometimes have towards other people.
Much of the work of psychoanalysis can be explained in terms of becoming more and more aware of the shadow aspect of ourselves, and the process of owning and acknowledging one’s shadow can be very helpful in helping us to understand that much of how we interpret the actions of other’s, and in fact how we view the world, is determined by this “Shadow’s” remaining just out of our conscious awareness.
This also ties in with the idea of projection, in the sense that projection is typically an unconscious process. Things in ourselves of which we are conscious we are more likely to “own” as our own “stuff”. Things in ourselves of which we are unconscious we tend to project onto others, and call “theirs”.
Thus, much of the hatred and distrust which we aim towards others (and which is aimed towards us) can be explained as a lack of awareness of our own Shadows.
Tagspsychotherapy psychoanalysis psychology» Filed Under Philosophy | 9 Comments
